Becoming A Better Man

I am getting more and more emotionally involved in this endeavor as time goes on. I am finding out more and more that I have had some misconceptions about adoption. Since we started, people have been telling us (heck, I have even been telling others) that being on the waiting list is really only physically different than being pregnant. What I have found out, in the last few weeks, is that somewhere deep inside I didn’t really believe that. I guess having a pregnant wife to see and pamper on a daily basis seems more real to me. I would somehow be more attached in that circumstance? About a week ago it clicked. I AM going to be a dad. It will happen in about a year. We really are pregnant/ expecting in every way but the physical.
This actually reminds me a lot of a conversation we had in our Bible Study/Life Group a few months ago. We were talking about the time that Israel spent wondering the desert. They had God as a pillar to guide them. I have a really hard time imagining that if God were really, physically standing next to me that I would continue to screw up. But, Adam and Eve had that. So did the Israelites. What makes us think that if we have to live by faith we are going to get it right? They didn’t! And they didn’t even need faith. All they had to do was look outside and see God. Then, it struck me! That really isn’t the point. We really don’t have faith in an unseen, uninvolved God. God is the same today as He was back then. It is like having faith that my screen is still here if I close my eyes. We tend to have faith in a “gee I hope” kind of way. That isn’t the way we need to have faith in God. There is no “gee I hope” about God or His promise. He and His promise are there just like my computer screen, when I close my eyes.
So, what’s my point? The process has started. The snowball is rolling down hill. There is no more “gee I hope.” I am going to be a dad soon. I need to start living my life on that truth and stop waiting for the “gee I hope” to come true. It already did. At the same time I had this ah-ha moment, I noticed I am really “passed due” in the God department as well. I need to stop living in the “gee I hope” and start living on the Truth.
What does that mean for me? I have spent about a week going over my life. To be completely honest I am not really proud of much. There are a lot of things I wish I never did. There are a lot of things I wish I could change or take back. There are definitely a lot of things I wish I could just forget. But, how would that help me become a better man now? I need to stand up and become the man that I am supposed to be. Not just for my children or my wife, but for me. I wouldn’t (and won’t) be able to make those steps if I didn’t have my past spurring me forward.
One comfort that I have found, in my “soul-searching,” is that I have done some things right! In fact, I am very impressed with a part of me that I have never noticed before. The group of people that I truly love/d, past and present, is a very small and significant group to me. No matter how few, I know I have done one thing well. I have loved and do love them without restraint. I know beyond a doubt that when I love, I am good at it. Those select few can never say that they did not know. This gives me such comfort as I step into fatherhood. I may have a lot of work to do, but what a great beginning! Even now, I know that my children will never be able to deny knowing that I love them. I am sure there will be times that they do, but it won’t be the truth. No matter the twists and turns that lay ahead, it’s a big sigh of relief. I can count myself lucky in that department.